Problem thinker

It started out innocently enough…I began to think
at parties now and then — just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself —
but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more
and more important to me, and finally I was thinking
all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home.
One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my
mate about the meaning of life, but she just spent that
night at her mother’s.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking
and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused, asking,
“What is it exactly we are doing here?”
One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you,
and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a
real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll
have to find another job.”
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after
my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed,
“I’ve been thinking…” “I know you’ve been thinking,” she
said, “and I want a divorce!”
“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”
“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver.
“You think as much as college professors, and college
professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won’t have any money!”
“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in
no mood to deal with the emotional drama. “I’m going to
the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.
I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and
ran up to the big glass doors. They didn’t open.
The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking
out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing
at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra,
a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining
your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line.
It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
Now I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we
watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.”
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped
thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today, I registered to vote Republican.

rusty

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